It’s about time ties finally have fled workplace fashion

 Fashion Men Clothes A new poll finds men today are wearing fewer neckties than ever.This, I hardly need tell you, is a highly damning commentary on thestate of American polls, which are evidently more boring than ever. Really? Neckties? Did you guys already ask everything there was toask about sex? Anyway, this is true: Along with Air Supply and Republicans,necktie popularity these days is at an all-time low (oh don’tget all fussy, that’s just a joke, of course there are stillpeople who like Air Supply). Just 6 percent of men wear ties to work daily, says a Gallup poll,down from the accessory’s peak in the 1980s, when mosteverybody was wearing very very stupid items. But in even more damning news, after 60 years, the trade group ofAmerican necktie makers, Men’s Dress Furnishing Association,is SHUTTING DOWN, having seen its membership dwindle from 120 to 25in recent years, which is both a response to the industry downturnand the main reason their group potluck dinners have gotten soawful. While this is extremely bad news for people who are god-awful atbuying Father’s Day gifts, it also is a welcome, overduedevelopment for the singular reason neckties are stupid andcomplicated and something that, hypothetically, some people do notlearn to correctly operate until they are 23 years old and findthemselves trying to finagle alone while receiving instructions onthe phone from his mother, who is several states away and issuingunhelpful instructions like, “Just put the thing through theother thing!” while trying to stifle volcanic bursts ofempathetic snickering. I’m told. By my friend. Who thathappened to. In Quebec. Besides, and especially in this age of reusability andconservation, neckties are outmoded relics. They might have madesense in the stuffed-shirt, military-industrial complex fashionworld of the 1950s, but hardly do now, in this age where thezeigeist is more relaxed and casual and most people are having tosell their underpants for gas money anyway. How many jobs actually require the use of neckties? Practicallyspeaking? One: necktie salesman. OK, and clown, if you’re aclown that’s into thebig-necktie-that-flops-up-like-a-set-of-drapes-and-squirts-watersort of thing. And if you’re in the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Practicaliity is hardly the only issue. Neckties are also thearticle of clothing most likely to get caught in an automatic meatgrinder, making their obsolescence less a fashion statement andmore a safety demand. Also, in some tragic instances, they look like a fish that ispointing south. Each of these things can be potentially disastrous. I can say this because I work in The Media, where most employeesaren’t paid enough to afford clothes, especially thoseCharlie Mingus hats that have the “PRESS” card on topof them, which are way more expensive than you think and never lookas cool as they do in movies from 1942. Many people in The Media have a relaxed approach to fashion,because their minds are occupied with other matters, such aslooking for jobs. Also ... well, let’s be honest: I lovenewspapers, I’ve worked in newspapers my whole life, but youdon’t see a whole lot of people in newspapers who areterrifically fashion-conscious. You drop most of us in a Banana Republic, and the most likelyresponse would be the kind of panic-stricken paralysis you tend tofind when you drop a kitten in a swimming pool. Me, I’ve never made it past the little shelf of belts theyput at the door without experiencing a minor episode. My place of employment is the first — literally, the first— to enact a dress code. It basically boils down to:“Please respect the rules of the basest human decency, andtry to wear pants if you can afford them.” Though a conservative policy and one that makes perfect sense inbusiness theory, this policy briefly caused me to lurch into afierce state of rage and begin drafting an inspirational,thoughtful monologue on how my inability to wear jeans to work wasthe single gravest social injustice I’d ever heard of in mylife. It didn’t go very far, because it turns out jeans-banningwasn’t exactly a hot-button issue that was going to inspire alot of grass-roots support. At least that’s what I heard. Ina poll.